You know it's time to retire when ...

My teen years were spent in the (fairly hideous) 1980s, and like most teenagers of that era, I embraced that garish youth culture with arms wide open ... well, at least as far as my parents would allow me to do so. While I had plenty of cassette tapes of Amy Grant and Petra, I also enjoyed being a "rebel" and listened to rock'n'roll as well. (Yes, that was pretty much the extent of my teen rebellion -- I hope my parents realize they got off the hook big time with me, thank you very much! Now if I can be oh-so-lucky in a few years with my own offspring ...). One of my favorite bands at the time (although now, not so much, unless I'm feeling a touch of nostalgia for an old tune) was Van Halen. Truth be told, I'm not sure I know of any teenager who escaped the 80s without at least one of their memorable melodies embedded in their frizzed brains (OK, I do know of one person ...). Even now, many years later, Van Halen still pops up from time to time, whether it comes in the form of a newly-purchased $1 record at a garage sale, or rockin' out to "Aunt Helen" with Uncle Steve at a springtime picnic. Yes, they are alive and well ...

Or are they? My husband recently emailed me a link to a video of one of their recent concerts which can be summed up in one word: pathetic. On a Saturday morning several weeks ago, I heard the opening synthesizer chords to the famous song, "Jump," followed very quickly by Don roaring with laughter. He roared and roared, so much so that I could hardly hear the song. "What's so funny?" I asked as I came into the room. He was sitting in front of the computer, watching this clip, tears rolling down his face. "You gotta hear this!" he said as he hit the replay button.

I didn't roar -- at least not at first (that came later after the shock wore off) -- but my eyes bulged and my mouth dropped open. Then I roared. Here were a bunch of middle-aged men wandering around on stage, seemingly trying to recapture their youth (or, if not recapturing, then honestly believing they never lost it in the first place). Seeing David Lee Roth jumping around with a gigantic, inflatable microphone was just ... well ... sad. My little children loved it, though, thinking it was some sort of giant Barney performance without the big purple dinosaur. That says something right there.

But all of that wasn't even the bad part. The thing that got my husband roaring (and even I and the kids couldn't stop laughing) was the fact that the pre-taped music, to which they played along, was set at a different pitch than that in which they were performing. The guy who posted this on his blog (RW370) which Don had read said it perfectly, "I can’t tell which is funnier, this long-hated cheesebag-anthem turned into a much more interesting, atonal mess in front of thousands of paying customers or the hilarious soldiering on of the Van Halens as they look at each other from inside the trainwreck. Eddie tries to transpose on the fly ... but the great thing there is the difference in pitch is non-musical - about 1.5 semitones sharp. So there’s no frets he can choose to fix the problem!"

So here's the thing -- I haven't figured out how to post a video, and with the lovely scent of a diaper needing changing in the air at the moment, I don't have time right now to figure it out. But what I can do is lead the throngs to the YouTube site for your own nostalgic enjoyment. So, fellow 80s friends, and those who are glad to have left it behind, and those who are also secretly happy to dip back in every once in a blue moon ... here's the link, highlighted in this lovely shade of blue. It's a riot. It does indeed sound like a trainwreck. Dudes, you have had far, far more than 15 minutes of fame. You've had hours and days and months and years of it. Maybe it's time to ditch the inflatable props and fiddle on a guitar in the back yard while entertaining your kids (or grandkids). Thanks for the cacophony -- it really was funny.