A Personality Like ... Hagrid?!

This morning, as I partook of my daily routine of sipping fortifying coffee and checking emails and various blogs, I came across a blog that I check in to every once in a while, called The Caffeinated Librarian (having had been one myself, I feel some connection). TCL's most recent post involved her response to taking an online personality test based upon a Harry Potter theme. [Side Note: did you know that I cannot type "Potter?" My left forefinger always, always reaches out involuntarily and finishes it off with a "Y." Harry Pottery. Always.]

Anyway, I haven't taken a personality test in years -- probably since my college days -- and since I am also a huge fan of Harry Pottery (OK, that was on purpose), I thought it would be fun to take a stab o' the wand at this test and see which character I am most like. I took the test. I was stunned.

Come on! HAGRID? My self-esteem is low enough, and now I am likened to Hagrid?! A huge, hairy, scruffy giant with poor grammar? OK, fine -- he is sweet enough, and I do like his dog.

OK, calm down. I have to realize that this test was not a physical comparison, but merely a psychological one. Moving on.

So the second thing that surprised me was the outcome. ISFJ. I have taken many, many personality tests in high school and college, and they have always turned out the same: INFJ. So what is this? Can someone's personality really change over time? Introvert -- well, duh. That's a given. Feeling -- emotional/feeling rather than rational/thinking. Oh boy, yes. Judging -- preferring organization to a free-for-all. Absolutely.

So what about this second letter, the "S" for "Sensing?" For as long as I have known myself, it was always "N" for "Intuitive" -- gathering answers from within. Now, suddenly, I find myself with the ability to gather answers from my surroundings. It really makes me wonder. How does something like that change? How do I move from trusting my gut to ... not?

I wonder if the answer isn't so much of a "psychological" one, but rather due to the fact that as I grow older, I grow in wisdom and experience, and the more I grow the more I learn about life ... and "life" doesn't always operate in the way that you think it should. Yes, I used to trust my gut. I used to go with my instincts. I am an introvert, an "internal" person, so naturally it makes sense that I would look inside for answers. But now ... perhaps this test is right. Perhaps "life" has taught me that you cannot necessarily go by your instincts, for although they may be right, they are not in a vacuum. [I think that is the very first time I have ever used that phrase, "in a vacuum." That phrase always humored me, probably since my first introduction to it in a Far Side cartoon, depicting a man walking in a deep, dark, scary forest pushing a vacuum, over a caption which stated, "Nature abhors a vacuum." Funny. But I digress. Back to my instincts -- those that are correct but not in a vacuum.] Any correct instincts I might have are working in a greater context involving other people, and other people don't always play by the rules.

I guess this does make a lot of sense to me. I have seen and experienced things I never thought I would, instances where instincts dictated one thing, calling for right decisions to be made, yet discovering that people make the rules, and sometimes those rules are irrational, unfair, nebulous, and intended to be changed, manipulated or broken at a moment's notice with no ramifications. Making a decision based upon "intuition" is impossible in these kinds of circumstances, when you must dance to someone else's drum. So you quickly learn (or at least attempt to), and adapt, and move from trusting your gut to sensing your surroundings. You start looking at patterns, you start listening to what others are (or sometimes are not) saying, you search externally for ways and means to survive, because you have learned that "life" is not fair, people do not play by the rules. "S" has trumped "N" out of necessity.

This makes me sad, really. I think, on a level far deeper than a fun little test involving Hagrid the Giant, it made me realize that I have changed. I have learned hard, painful lessons that I did not want to learn. I have peeked into the closets of some people and found them to be dark, scary places. I think, in a way, I have lost a part of what made me, me -- a trust, an innocence, a confidence, an alteration of the very fabric of who I am. I don't trust myself much anymore, I don't trust my gut, because what I have learned is that even though my gut might be right, there's no saying how it might play out on the other side, and those risks can be devastating. So now I second-guess my instincts, I question and re-question myself, and I look outside rather than inside, perhaps trying to see what's going on around me so whatever decision is made, it will be the least painful of offerings.

I'm on a journey. Right now, I see that there's been a change. It's not such a bad thing, really -- my point is not that one letter-trait is "better" than another. It's just strangely interesting to see the shifted outcome in myself. It could turn out to be a good thing. Perhaps I'm being overly-emotional about it all (I am a "F," after all!) but perhaps that's the journey, or at least part of it. I wonder, as I continue to journey down my path, and as I learn to forgive others and as I learn to trust others again ... I wonder if I'll take this test again, and I wonder if that familiar "N" might pop up once more, that as I learn to trust others I'll learn to trust my gut again. Or who knows, perhaps there will be new growth, a perfect blending of "S" and "N," as I face the life around me with new eyes, and a new outlook.

Or, perhaps, I just hit a button incorrectly for one of the answers and this isn't even my correct "personality." So all of these musings might very well be for naught. Wouldn't that be funny.

I don't know what was in my coffee this morning, causing me to wax so deeply psychologically. I know, I know -- these quizzes are only meant for fun, not for such in-depth introspection. But you know how it goes -- you do something fun, one thing leads to another, your mind starts making connections, and here we are. Now I need a nap. Yes, it's fun stuff -- I enjoy quizzes. So, friends -- all you "I's" and "E's" and other corresponding letters -- take the 1-minute test yourself (click here for the link) to see which Harry Potter character you might be, and let me know the results (I'm a curious sort). I guess I always did have a soft spot for cute, cuddly dragons ...