Wednesday Wonkiness

Oh, the world is tilting at a strange angle today.

- I read in the "news" this morning that Britney Spears' little sister is continuing the Spears Spawn tradition. She's 16. Doesn't she read the news? Doesn't she know what her big Sister is up to? I'm sorry ... and this story makes the news. I am very, very sad. I want to become Amish.

- Yesterday I visited our local strip mall to pick up something in CVS. I walked by the Mandee shop and decided to stop in. Have you ever heard of the Mandee shop? It's a clothing store, a chain, big in NJ. I loved to shop there when I was a teenager, a heavenly place with rack upon rack of the perfect 80's clothing. I haven't been in there in almost 20 years. I decided to poke my head in, as I am on the hunt for a black turtleneck sweater, and thought I would see what I could find. As Aidan held the door open for me, and as I pushed the stroller into the store, I firmly believe I walked into some kind of other dimension, a time warp of some kind. I gasped as I look at the rack before me. I felt my hair suddenly grow large, defying gravity with each second. My nostrils were suddenly filled with the scent of Aqua Net Super Extra Hold. I felt my cheeks become suddenly covered with a thick layer of powdered blush, painted slant-wise on my cheekbones like fashionable warpaint. I felt my eyes water a bit with the burden of black eye liner and thick, luscious, mascara-covered lashes. I felt my ankles suddenly warmed by the thick comfort of slouched Wigwam socks. I felt my ears start to stretch from the weight of giant earrings. I was transported back in time, to my teen years, to the 1980s, as I gaped at the rack in front of me. For there I saw clothing that I should not be seeing anymore, that should be buried with other gear from that era. I saw a tunic top with chevron stripes, a wide band around the dropped waist. I saw leggings. I saw fish-net. And then I saw the Mother of All Banned Clothing: stirrup pants.

I couldn't handle it. I left the store. I still can't handle it.

- Aidan was sent home from school yesterday very unexpectedly. When I saw the name of the school appear on my Caller ID, I thought, "No way! He just got better! What is this?!"

"Hi, this is Mrs. --" said the kind, familiar voice on the other end. "Aidan is fine, but I need to ask you to come pick him up. He has been scratching his arm terribly and it looks as if he has ringworm."

RINGWORM?! What the heck is that?! I instantly started squirming and itching, picturing tiny wriggling creatures romping around on precious skin. Nasty. Nasty.

"Don't worry," the kind voice continued. "It sounds far worse than it really is, but it is very contagious and he must be seen by a doctor and treated before he comes back to school. I'm so sorry to call you with this, but tomorrow is the Christmas program and we don't want him to miss it ..."

Oh my gosh. OK, think, breathe -- kick it into high gear and move, girl, move! Call the pediatrician. They're still out to lunch. At 2:00 p.m.??!! Man, I want that job. OK, get your shoes on. Wake up Grace. Get her sippy cup and some snacks to keep her happy. Try the pediatrician again -- phew! Their lunch sabbatical is over. It's 2:10 now -- any chance for an appointment today? Yes, how about 2:45? Oh, what luck! But wait ... I have a half hour to rush to one town, pick up my itchy boy, and then rush in the completely opposite direction to the pediatrician's office. Can I do it? I think so, as long as there are no cops around. But I have no choice ... ringworm ... contagion ... Christmas program tomorrow ... must go must go must go ...

I grew angel's wings. I made it, arriving at exactly 2:45 p.m. Aidan is fine -- it's only a flare up of his eczema, which he's always had, and which always flares up at this time of year. But still, just to be safe, pick up some Lotrimin at CVS -- it won't hurt it. Pay my co-pay ... again ... pack the kids back into the car, run to CVS. Poke my head into the Mandee shop, walk out with big hair and pancake makeup and an unpleasant sensation ...

O, Holy Night.
Silent Night.
All is calm.
Sleep in heavenly peace.

The world is tilting at a very strange angle today ...