Wow. I've done it.
I've officially crossed over, into the realm of ...
Girlie-hood.
I decided to paint my toenails, as I often do throughout the shoeless summer. I selected a nice shade called "Silver Plum" and set to work. It wasn't long until Grace was by my side, curious.
"What's that, Mommy?" she asked. I told her what I was doing.
"Oh! I want that too!"
I think I surprised myself a bit when I quickly decided to indulge her whim. Why not? It'll be cute. I chose a different, fun shade for her, a pale silvery blue called "Sky," and we switched seats at the kitchen table. I picked up her little foot ... and stopped.
It just so happened to be her right foot. Her clubfoot. It's chunky. It's shorter than the other. It's very wide. It turns inward a bit. It's curved in shape, toes included. Everything is in tact. It's just ... different.
I looked at that chunky little foot in my hand for a few moments, really looking at it. When Grace was born, we knew what was waiting for us, and I couldn't bring myself to look at that foot during that first day of her birth. I avoided it. I looked at every other part of her beautiful self, except that foot. I realized that I still don't really look at it, unless it's out of concern. Is she walking OK? Is it turning inward too far? Is she walking on the ball of her foot? Does the heel touch the ground like it should? Is her leg that noticeably thinner than the other?
But that morning I held that little food in my hand and really looked at it. I then looked up at her face. She was beaming, all smiles. She has no idea ... nor do I want her to know. I don't want this to stop her. It certainly doesn't have to. But I've read far too many stories of grown-up folks who struggled with a clubfoot -- women who hate themselves, men who are embarrassed, those who haven't worn a pair of shorts in decades because they're ashamed of their skinny leg, those who suffer from chronic pain. Is this what's in store for my little girl? It breaks my heart sometimes.
But in that moment she had no pain. She had no idea. All she saw was Mommy holding her foot, ready to paint her tiny toenails. When finished, she danced around the house, informing me she was now Cinderella.
My twinkly-toed princess.
I squeezed that chunky little foot, and kissed it.
She giggled.
3 comments:
Your daughter is precious. And her foot just makes her that much more so. My daughter was born with bilateral clubfeet and it has been a long, but good, journey. We aren't done yet, but with the Ponseti method on our side, we'll be just fine. I encourage you to find a ponseti trained Dr to help you straighten her feet further and prevent any need for surgical correction. Even though you may have to drive, it will be worth it in the end. If you have any more questions, please let me know. Or you could join the yahoo group nosurgery4clubfoot.
Thanks for stopping by, Chris! When the kids go to bed I'm going to check out your blog -- I'm looking forward to reading of your challenging yet hopeful journey! I don't know ANYONE at all who is going through this, so sometimes I feel a little disconnected -- but maybe that's not such a bad thing. With me, too much information can do more harm than good. Thanks again for the input, and the website -- can't wait to check it out.
It is my belief that our physicians aren't thrilled when I gather information but I sure feel better knowing what questions to ask! LOL But know that you are not alone. Clubfoot is one of the most common birth 'defects' but thankfully it is completely correctable and now without surgery! How awesome is that! Let me know if I can help you in any way. And enjoy your precious daughter.
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