Forgiveness, Cont'd

Oh, oh, oh! Another amazing chapter in "The Art of Forgiving" -- so good, in fact, that I couldn't put the book down and have now finished the entire thing. The final chapter is called "Forgive and Remember," stating the obvious -- that while forgiving is imperative to healing, it does not erase the past. But the hope is this: "forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. We change the memory of our past into a hope for our future." The author then listed some guidelines about how this all works, two of which jumped out at me:

- We remember the good parts of the bad past. We start to view the past through the lenses of the good that has come out of it. We see the past with healed eyes. He recalled the Biblical story of Joseph, mistreated by his brothers and sold as a slave. Years went by, he was finally reunited with his brothers who indeed bowed down to him, and Joseph said, "You meant it for evil, but God meant it for good." Forgiveness didn't wipe out what they did to him, or negate the severity of their abuse. They weren't let off the hook (this is where I keep getting stuck). But rather Joseph chose to remember the good that came from it. "Forgiving only helps us to remember the positive things that follow it." This is very good to know and recognize, but I'm not there yet. I still feel my heart break when I even hear the name of the town mentioned. I still feel nauseous when I hear the name of the church. There are just too many losses right now, too much grieving, too many dear, dear friends left behind. But at least now I have hope that I'll get there, some day ...

- We remember with sadness. Forgiveness doesn't remove the scars completely, and sometimes thinking about what happened feels like those scars are being ripped open again and again. "It is so when a person forgives and the stitches are torn open by a remembrance of past wrongs. She can feel the healed pain again and be glad for the moment's connection with the past; it reminds her how good it is to be healed." I'm not there yet either, but again -- I pray that I'll get there.

Backing up a bit, the previous chapter was equally helpful, "When We Are Not Sure We Have Done It," basically cutting you some slack, taking the pressure off. You believe you have forgiven the person who has wounded you, yet you still feel anger, you still feel some satisfaction when you hear of something bad happening to them, you still feel pain when you recall the past. His advice:
- Be patient. Forgiving is a journey, a process -- it doesn't happen like flicking a light switch. Clearly.
- Expect some relapses. Yep -- check.
- Stay angry. This was for me. It's OK to still feel anger after you've forgiven. "Forgiving is not anti-anger ... The enemy of forgiving is hate, not anger. Anger is aimed at what persons do. Hate is aimed at persons. Anger keeps bad things from happening again to you. Hate wants bad things to happen to him. Anger is the positive power that pushes toward justice. Hate, by that token, is the negative force that pushes us toward vengeance." I'm glad there's a fine line there, something to keep in mind.

I have to recognize, too, that there's a great chance this will all be one-sided. When we left back in January, only one person had the courage to meet with us (separately) and ask for our forgiveness. One person. It was very, very difficult to meet with him but I'm glad I did. I do believe I was able to forgive him. But I'm not expecting any thing more, and I have to be OK with that.

Thank you, Judy, for this powerful book. I couldn't have read this a few months ago. I'm glad I can read it now. I do feel the journey has commenced, but there are definitely parts of it that I am not yet ready to embrace. I wonder if I will even know it when the time comes.