An Unbelievable Week

This has been one of the weirdest weeks of my life that I can recall. Within a few shorts days, we went from a total high (Sunday's gathering at my brother's house, for Father's Day and my mom's birthday) to a low that we never saw coming. And in between there has been some strange random weirdness, producing a few laughs or just a shaking of the head ...

- Yesterday wasn't a good day. A crying day. I decided to relieve some of my anxiety by going shopping. I've discovered that some people, during times of crisis, like to eat; I like to shop. But I also have enough wherewithal to know what is (or what is not) in my wallet. So armed with that need and that knowledge, I headed to the Dollar Store. We have a great Dollar Store. I spent $13 on cheap toys for the kids, a steno pad, foaming hand soap for the bathroom, antibacterial hand gel for the kids, a box of envelopes. While I was standing in line, a girl pushed right in front of me and stood in front of the candy. Suddenly she picked up a box, poked through the cellophane, and started eating. After she popped a few into her mouth, she put the box back on the shelf and went back to her pregnant mother (and siblings) a few lanes over. What the heck?! I didn't say anything to the girl -- heaven forbid you say something to someone else's kid -- but I did give the box to an employee (who I believe spoke to the mother -- I suddenly heard raised voices, although in a language I couldn't understand). It was just a really weird thing to witness.

- We drove to our favorite pizza place to pick up two pies last night. We passed a rather seedy pub, just two doors down from the pizza place -- a pub which I never knew existed. The name of it was totally random: "The Shepherd and the Knucklehead." I don't know why, but that sign jumped out at me. I loved it. Hey -- maybe it's really a message from God. "The Lord is my Shepherd" ... I am the Knucklehead.

- Aidan unwittingly relieved some tension when he said to Don at dinner, "Daddy, look at your belly. I think a baby is going to come out of there." I'm not sure if Don found it to be funny, but I got a good chuckle out of that one.

But chuckles only last so long. Reality sucks. In between the humor seep those God-questions again. Forget the fork in the road. The "why's?" are flooding back. Why would God lead us back home for healing -- something we so desperately need -- only to have us face something far more horrible than anything we've endured to date? I know I'm jumping the gun, but the grief of it all is unbearable. Most times I feel that I can't even breathe, that my breath gets caught in my chest somewhere, and the more I try to breathe the more painful it feels. Why would God allow this happen? Why now? How is it that such horrible, dark thoughts take up residence in my spirit, thinking of scenarios that haven't even happened? I've fallen backward in the prayer department, squeaking out "Just spare my mom" throughout the day. And now I sit here in my "Sunday Meetin'" clothes, hair wet and ready for the dryer, getting ready for church. Church? Today? How in the world am I going to be able to do that?