Meltdown

I had one of those calgon-take-me-away parenting moments yesterday morning. I had some errands to run (bank, library - having returned a DVD, without the disc inside ... duh), and on my way home I stopped in at my pastor's house to pick up a telephone directory. The timing turned out great, as Jacie was just cleaning out her attic and came across some of her daughter's old clothing, so now I have two great bins of stuff to sort through for Grace. I love those moments! Anyway, we started talking, she made some coffee, we ate delicious blueberry bread ... a nice and unexpected way to spend the morning.

Aidan and their son Caleb were playing with Tinker Toys, and Aidan wanted help building a jumbo jet. After some effort on Jacie's part, the jet was built. Unfortunately, Aidan is an extreme perfectionist (a very difficult trait in a 4-year-old) and he was starting to get a little cranky over the fact that the tail wasn't just right, as shown in the picture. Unfortunately, the pieces weren't cooperating and the sticks kept falling out of the holes. But, the jet was built, mission accomplished, and it was time to go home for lunch.

Oh ... my ... gosh ... What happened next was a bit of a nightmare for me. Aidan just completely melted down. But it was more than that: it was a full-blown tantrum. He sat on the floor and started screaming like a witch. Truly, I was stunned into silence and inaction. I had not seen that kind of behavior out of him in more than two years. A 2-year-old throwing a fit is understandable, and even expected. But a boy who is almost five ... I was kind of shocked. I really had no idea what to do -- hence, my nightmare. Here I was, feeling completely inept, in someone else's home, just appalled at his behavior. I actually started laughing at one point, because in a way it was completely comical, seeing this boy who is usually quite good be so completely transformed into a beast-child ... but laughing really added fuel to his fire. And what it made it all worse is that it just didn't end! I joked to Andy that when there's no answer to this kind of behavior, demon possession always works ... but it does make you wonder. I mean, it was almost as if I was looking at some other kid, some stranger doing something my boy doesn't do. I know every parent has a moment, or many moments, when their child completely freaks out. But I can honestly say that this was my first experience with this kind of complete and utter meltdown, at his age. It was just weird. I got Grace in the car and then went back inside for Aidan, who at this point started screaming now that he didn't want to go (like they wanted him to stay?!) and he was running around like a crazed, screeching chicken, trying to keep away from me. I had no choice but to grab him and carry him to the car.

He cried the entire way home. I was a bit panicked -- I just knew that I wasn't going to handle this correctly. Indeed, I had no idea what the "right way" was. All I knew is that I could feel my own horrible Irish temper flare up once we got into the relative privacy of our car. I know my yelling didn't help, other than make him cry harder and louder and longer. He's a very articulate boy; I tried to get him to use his words and tell me why he behaved that way but he couldn't/wouldn't answer. The only thing I got out of him was, "But the jet's tail fell apart." That didn't jive for me, in a "punishment doesn't fit the crime" sort of way ... his reaction/response certainly didn't fit the situation. Is this one of those moments where you chalk it up to really not understanding your own kid? I worry about stuff like that. What if I never understand him?

I worry about my own lack of confidence in parenting and discipline. If I screw this one up, will it stay with him and mess something up later on down the road? I hate that feeling of having no idea what to do. I have a little boy who is still like a lump of clay, his formation occurring on a daily basis, his whole life in front of him ... what if I make a wrong move? What if I say the wrong thing, in the wrong tone? What if I hurt his little spirit in my own display of anger and frustration? Maybe this hit me in a strong way because of something tragic that occurred this week -- the sudden death of a young man (mid-20's) from my parents' church from a drug overdose. Here's a young guy that was raised in a good, healthy, Christian home ... but what happened along the way? I know, I know -- just because the "externals" look good doesn't really mean anything. But how did he get so messed up in a destructive lifestyle? What must his parents be going through right now? I think of other kids who grow up to lead questionable or difficult lives, and when asked how they got there, some respond that their parents told them they were worthless, or good-for-nothing, or a bother ... and that's where they ended up. What has slipped out of my mouth as a parent? The realm of the "what-if's" isn't the best place to be.

I thought about all of this while Aidan was in his room, sobbing away. How can I make him understand how utterly wrong his behavior was? I can explain it to him, he'll respond "I understand" but then I know it will happen again. Aidan, it's not nice to hit your sister; don't take a toy out of her hands. You don't like her to do that to you, do you? -- do you understand? Yes, I understand ... and then 20 minutes later it's the same thing all over again. But what he did today, screaming in such an uncontrolled way, was really horrible for me. What on earth would ever prompt him to do that kind of thing? The mind of a parent is a tormented thing.

I know -- I'm probably over-thinking this. But I know when Aidan was crying in his room, I was crying along with him. I don't want to see him sad, but I don't want to see him react in such incredibly inappropriate ways either. This is a tough job ... and he's not even five. Talk about a journey ...