Feelin' Thankful ...

There are some days when I'm out of sorts, feeling as if some little puzzle piece is missing and I just can't find it. There are some days when I am so discontented with my life, where the "lacks" seem to bombard me around every corner and blind me to all that I truly have. There are some days when I feel utter grief -- still -- about the life I used to have, and all of the dreams that disappeared with it.

And then there are days when everything feels so right, when I wake up with a smile and feel nothing but thankfulness for what I do have. And oh, I have so much ...

- One of the blogs I follow mentioned something about the messed up state of health care. I spent some time reading the comments -- or horror stories, rather -- of people who either have no care, or completely inadequate insurance. And just last week I was complaining about the jump in our co-pay to $30 a visit. I am so thankful that we have insurance -- that our state came to our rescue during our months of unemployment (now that was a wonderful experience -- everything was free!), and our insurance now covers our needs adequately. This afternoon I have to take Grace for her 4-year-old well visit ... and I'm thankful that I am able to do so.

- This morning Don sent me a little video taken from his iPhone. He left Massachusetts at 5:00 a.m. today, heading to a client somewhere in the Hamptons. The short video clip is of his ferry ride. I thought, "How fun is that ..." And then I thought, "How grateful we are that he has a job!" It's a tough one, full of stress and exhausting work -- much, much more work than we anticipated, and much more travel than we were lead to believe. But I have made the conscious decision not to complain about any of that. Sure, it's inconvenient and it's tough on the kids (and me) ... but he's working, when so many are not.

- Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed by the difficulties that pop up in my life, and yes -- there are times when it feels as if the floodgates have opened unusually wide. It's so easy to turn inward, to put the blinders on and focus on your own problems. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself -- difficult situations do need to be addressed. But once I take the blinders off and look around me, I see that I am not alone. A dear friend was struggling with selling her home; another friend lost her job and her husband is also out of work. My oldest friend's husband tore his Achilles tendon and is spending the entire summer on crutches, while her 8-year-old son was just diagnosed with a rather severe case (for his age) of scoliosis. A short while ago, I decided to stop praying for myself. God knows my needs, He knows my pain, He knows my daily struggles -- He can take care of it. So I have been praying for others -- that my friend's home will sell quickly; that another friend's personal crisis will lift; that my next door neighbor's 3-year-old daughter will heal from serious hip surgery. And somehow, just praying for others, have lifted my spirits in an inexplicable way.

- There's a family I know (though not well) who is going through a divorce, and I look at those directionless kids and wonder what they are feeling, what their lives are going to be like. Then I look at my own kids. I love my kids. They are good kids. Despite the yelling, despite the squabbling, despite those days when I want to pull my hair out ... they are good kids. Sometimes I can't believe God entrusted them into my care.

- There is nothing in the world like having good friends in your life. I am not friend-less. Since moving back to NJ, I have not been able to make many friends, but just having even one good, close, go-to girlfriend is like some kind of treasure. And for those friends with whom I don't get much face-time, I can always pick up the phone. I am not alone. I am loved, for who I am.

- Without going into a lot of confidential detail, I will just say that I am fairly exploding with gratitude for God's continued provision in a big area of our lives. We send Aidan to a Christian school, and this year Grace will be joining him for the first time in preschool. Through great provision, we are able to send our kids to the school this year. In this area, this is truly an exercise in trusting in God's provision for your "daily bread." We were getting a bit nervous, wondering if -- or how -- it would all work out ... and it did. Next year? Not even going to worry about it. I am thankful that I have learned how to live like this -- to not look too far into the future.

- Don is coming home tonight. Tomorrow we are traveling halfway to meet old friends of ours from one of our former churches in PA. This is rather odd for me, for this was another life -- I was another person. Sometimes I find it very difficult to meld these two lives together. Then, I was the priest's wife; I lived in the rectory; I had a very different role to play. Now ... I'm not. But those relationships were forged then, under different circumstances. Sometimes I have a difficult time crossing that bridge. And this couple, at the time, served as Aidan's -- and later, Grace's -- "surrogate" grandparents, since we lived a few hours away from the "real" Grandma and Grandpa. They lavished my kids with hugs and love and gifts. They were the first ones little baby Aidan would run to on Sunday morning. And now ... it's just odd. I'm feeling a little strange about seeing them. But ... how thankful we are that people still love us, even after all these years.

I know I will have more moments when the "lacks" flood back to the surface ... when I look at all of my dreams and realize some of them might never come true ... But for now, I feel nothing but thankfulness for what I have, and for what God has blessed me with.

And for now, that is more than enough.