A Potential God-Nudge (?)

Something very strange happened yesterday -- unexpected, completely out of the blue, almost shocking. I have no idea what to make of this, but when I find myself in that spot -- of not knowing what to make of this -- I usually recognize that I have to sit up and listen.

I skimmed on this in yesterday's blog post, about struggling through a very difficult (but good) sermon about listening to God. Before the sermon, some aspiring thespians (including my husband) put on a short drama, each portraying a character so caught up in the noise of their daily lives (businessman on a cell phone, kid jamming on guitar, etc.) until we hear the quiet voice of Don ... er, um, I mean God. "Be still." They continue on ... "Be still." A few drop out, listening, while a few continue on ... "Be still." Finally God raised his voice -- "Be still!" and all were silent. Pretty powerful ... until Aidan starts cracking up (I guess he thought it was funny that his Daddy was God) and I was mortified. Leave it to a kid ...

But anyway, that was a good start, followed by a sermon about listening to what God might be telling each of us. One scenario that was thrown out there was listening for a possible call to full-time ministry. There's an effort underway in the NY-Metropolitan area to plant 20 churches in the next 10 years, and perhaps God is calling someone on board for that endeavor. That was incredibly difficult for me to listen to, having once been in that very spot, standing with my boyfriend in Borders Bookstore after I graduated from college and hearing him tell me out of the blue that he can't shake the feeling that he was being called to be a priest (thankfully Episcopal and not Catholic, so marriage was still a viable option). As difficult as that journey was for me, I know with 100% certainty that his calling was truly just that -- a calling from God, not to be ignored. We listened; we followed.

And now here we are, out of the ministry, out of the church, and trying to make some sense of what seems to be a shattered calling. Yes, that sermon was very, very difficult to hear yesterday. But here's where things got really, really strange, and why I think we need to sit up and listen, for perhaps God is starting to whisper:

Don got a call yesterday to serve as rector of a church.

Talk about a rock falling out of the sky and hitting you on the head. When we got home from church, there was a message on the machine from someone we had not heard from in about 7 years -- a woman from our very first church out of seminary, where Don served as an assistant. She was calling on behalf of their search committee, for they wanted to call Don right away and see if he would consider serving as rector of this church. Our first church. Weird.

For many, many reasons there is no way this would work. For one thing, Don is in no shape to get back into ministry after everything he endured last year at our last church. You don't get over post-traumatic stress disorder overnight and there are just too many demons, too much damage right now to even think about going back. Also, we already tried "going back home," walking into our last church -- which was Don's home church and which had sent him to seminary -- only to be destroyed by it. There is no way we could make that choice again. Then there's the can of worms about moving yet again, uprooting our kids, going back to an area that still brings back too many painful memories ...

But still ... think about it! Where is this coming from? Why now? I can't even begin to describe the chaotic thoughts swirling around and all of the baggage this is bringing up ... it's unreal. But first we heard that sermon, and then this totally random telephone call ... what is God up to here? Is there a little voice coming out of the darkness, whispering "Be still," nudging us to listen? Is God telling us, "I'm not calling you to serve there, but this is just to let you know that I haven't forgotten about you. I'm still here, I'm still in control, I haven't forgotten." And if nothing else, perhaps this was some affirmation from God. This woman told Don that after all these years, he is still dearly loved, greatly missed, and had made such a tremendous impact on the members there, including her two boys -- who were very young at the time -- who still talk about him and what he meant to them. After being told over and over, "You're a terrible priest, you won't succeed, you're no good," he then hears this, a reminder that he was faithful, he was true, he was a good leader and touched many, many lives. Maybe this was God's way of saying, "Well done, my good and faithful servant ..."

Don admitted that he's not ready to listen. That's OK -- that's human. I asked him why he felt that way, and he said, "I'm afraid where it might lead." Now that's honesty. And that's OK -- God can handle it, and God invites it. But the events of yesterday sure opened up Pandora's Box for us, and it wasn't easy taking that peek inside, because that means we have to address a lot of issues, a lot of feelings, and it's really, really hard to go back there. What a strange, strange day ...