I can't shake the events of yesterday, this "call" coming out of the blue (see previous post). In trying to boil down the myriad of thoughts and emotions, I came up with one word:
FEAR.
I think that's it, in a nutshell. I'm afraid of going back. Not necessarily back to PA -- no one can force us to do that -- but going back to our ministry-life, with the whole she-bang of full-time pastor/priest, pastor's wife, and "preacher's kids." For months and months after our nightmare, I wrestled with God -- "Why did this happen? Why did you call us, and then yank us out?" I struggled with my loss of identity. Now I'm struggling with the idea of potentially regaining that identity. In the end, I don't think I want it. It's a fearsome thing.
Without wanting to raise any red flags, I was curious what kind of response I would get if I talked to Aidan about it. So on the car ride to school after lunch today, I jumped right in:
Me: So Aidan, what do you think about maybe moving back to Pennsylvania?
Aidan: NO. NO WAY!
M: Why not?
A: I'm not going back there, ever.
M: Why not? You'll get to see old friends -- Miss Judy, Miss Pam, Aunt Kathy, Ella ...
A: Well ... They can come see us. I don't ever want to live in PA again. I like it right here, by Grandma and Grandpa. We're not moving.
Me: [New tactic] OK, that's fine. But what would you say if Daddy went to work in a church again?
Aidan: Oh, NO! He can't!
M: Why not?
A: He can't do that anymore.
M: Why not?
A: It's bad enough that Miss Jacie needs him to play guitar. He can't do any more than that. That's Pastor Andy's job now.
M: But what if Daddy thought God wanted him to work in a church again?
A: I'll talk to God and tell him. Daddy needs to stay by me. I'll keep him safe.
Well ... there you have it. Seems like I'm not the only one who's afraid. OK, God, you heard it: from the mouth of a 5-year old. It doesn't get more black-and-white than that.
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4 comments:
Wow.
I just discovered this blog the other day, so I don't know the backstory... but it sure sounds like y'all have been through the wringer.
One tiny bit in this post leaped out at me...
Now I'm struggling with the idea of potentially regaining that identity.
Don't (DON'T!!) regain that identity. Don't mix up "what you do" -even for God!- with who you are in Christ. No matter what anyone says or does, in ministry, in family, or otherwise, who you are in Him is what *matters*.
Do the will of the Lord, by all means... if that means going right back into the lion's den. But don't martyr yourselves in the process (unless, like the apostles, you know that's part of the Plan).
Have you considered godly family counseling? Maybe if you and yours could sit down with someone who knows the strain of ministry, who can be constructive, who can pray with you... will help to heal those wounds.
As I write to you - a complete stranger, it's weird how this happens - the Holy Spirit's speaking in my ear: "soak. tell them to soak in Me, be saturated in Me, just soak." I've kind of got an imagery of the way one feels in a deep warm bubble bath.
I've probably said too much; you don't know me (you're welcome to email or visit my blog though!)... hope that's all right. I'm going to pray for you guys, too, right now.
I'm upset to read that you would unsettle your son to see if his opion is in alignment with your own. I don't think it's worth making him feel unstable to see what he thinks. He's five...you don't need his thoughts to make your decision.
Just to clarify -- that's not what was going in that conversation. He wasn't unsettled at all (just very expressive in his usual way!), and with all that we've been through as a family, it's important to talk things through instead of dropping bombshells. There have been many past conversations where he initiated the dialogue (often surprising me in the process as to his insight, thought, and clarity), so this isn't new territory. No, I don't "need" his opinion to make a decision, but I am responsible for how he's feeling. No worries ... we're all good.
He didn't even have to know about the possibility.
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