7-Month Itch

Back to my Laura Ingalls Wilder days (still a fan! still a fan!), I recall a few references in the earlier books where the Ingalls family moved from place to place, trekking across vast expanses of land from one wild territory to another. Ma wasn't such a big fan, I don't believe, but being a good, proper 19th century wife she followed quietly. I remember reading of conversations between Pa and Laura, addressing this near-obsession of moving on:

"The Ingalls family returned to their farm in the woods near Pepin in 1871. But Pa still longed for the West. For two years, while he farmed his Wisconsin land, Pa talked of going west again. Ma laughed and said that Pa had an itchy foot."

Lots of people get "itches," a time when they feel they've been doing the same thing for long enough and it's time to do something different. I too have been feeling a little "itchy," but certainly not because I want to move -- I've done more of that than I like over the years. But I've been here now for about 7 months and I'm feeling a little restless. Perhaps part of it is due to the fact that it's almost September and school will be starting soon. Having spent 17 years of my life in school -- exactly half -- I think it has become a part of my internal clock to feel that I need to do something new in September ... except now I don't go to school. I feel this tug every year.

There are two ideas that are stirring in my pot as of late, of which I'm giving serious consideration. The first is exploring the possibility of finding a part-time job. This is an odd thing for me, because while on the one hand this is not what I want to do by any means, I'm nevertheless starting to feel that it's necessary. Living in northern NJ is insane when it comes to finances, and we're finding ourselves in a crunch. There aren't many stay-at-home moms in this area, and now I know why -- you simply cannot afford it. It sucks, really -- as much as I might gripe about my kids and how frustrated I get with them from time to time, I still feel that this is where I should be, at home with them. But ... having the opportunity to read stories to my children at naptime won't pay my rent. So here I am in this quandry, stuck between what I want to do and what I just might have to do. What brought this to my attention is the fact that within the past week or so, several people have mentioned this to me as something to consider ... and when I hear several random, unconnected people saying the very same thing I sit up and listen, believing that I'm meant to give it some thought. OK, so I'm thinking. Of course, there are the immediate questions: what on earth would I do? What kind of job would I be able to find that will pay adequately but only require a few hours of work? I can hardly keep a handle on my life as it is -- how in the world will I be able to add a job to the mix? What about my kids? If I make $8 an hour, and someone charges $10 an hour to watch my kids, well ... duh. That's pointless. I always get hung up on these questions. But the itch is there.

My second itch involves something that popped up so randomly, yet I can't get it out of my head: I'm thinking of joining Curves. You know, that chain of women-only exercise joints where one can work out for 30 minutes. It's ridiculous, really -- I'm not sure of where the money will come from to pay my son's tuition this year, so how do I expect to pay for something like Curves? And yet the thought persists, the itch is present. I've never been a big fan of deliberate exercise; I had a gym membership once, after Aidan was born, and I ended up hating it (plus we couldn't afford it, so we quit). In the past, my fitness came from activity such as long walks, mountain biking, hiking, that sort of thing. Going into a stale environment full of metal machines is not to my liking one bit. And yet here I am, considering a place with big metal machines. Why? Well, for one thing, I'm not happy with my current physical state at all. I'm 35 and my metabolism is freaking out. After Grace was born my body decided to go in another direction without my consent. Last spring I committed myself to NutriSystem for 3 months and I lost all my baby weight, but unfortunately I couldn't keep going with those habits. That was immediately followed by our six-month nightmare in our last church, and for those last few months I simply couldn't eat due to fear and anxiety. I dropped the pounds, baby ... but it wasn't healthy. Fast forward to our arrival here: we're safe, we're secure ... and I started eating. It's not that I ate poorly; it's just that I ate too much. And now I'm stuck and not sure what to do about it. I can't grab the kids and stuff them into the double stroller for an hour walk around town -- they'd never stand for it, sitting still for so long. I can't get up at 6:00 a.m. and head to the basement for an hour's walk on my parents' treadmill because ... well, I equally despise early mornings and treadmills. Maybe it's a discipline thing -- if I'm at home I'm too distracted by other things to drop to the floor during my kids' naptime for 5,000 crunches. But Curves ... I believe I can spend a mere 30 minutes whipping around that circle of machines. It might not result in all the weight I would theoretically like to lose, but at least I'd be healthier and feel oh so much better about myself. But getting a part time job and joining Curves? I have no idea how that would work, let alone finding the extra dough to pay for it.

So I'm itching away here and thinking hard. I am determined to be proactive about this, at least as much as I can be. I feel that I need to reinvent some things about myself, make a few positive changes. Like Pa Ingalls, I've got the itch and I wonder where it will take me ...