- Bad, bad day for my mom. I wonder if I kind of lulled myself into thinking, "Hey! Maybe we lucked out (ooohhhh - "providenced out," I mean), having 3 amazingly good days, and we'll escape with minimal damage!" Haha. Pain abounds with chemotherapy, my friends. Last night she only got a few winks, and today has been Pain Day, worse than what she experienced two years ago. And yet, it seems there's a bit of a trade-off in the Side Effects Department, since the nausea isn't so bad this time around. Give and take, give and take ...
- Our friend is coming tomorrow evening for some weekend care-giving. Perhaps after a weekend with my lately-uninspired children she'll be needing some care-receiving of her own! I'm not worried about Aidan -- he adores "Miss Pam." It's Grace who is giving me pause.
- I've been feeling extremely on edge lately. I was going to write "irritable" but that sounds so ... well, irritable. And I've been feeling a strange kind of restless feeling, but I won't even write about that because I have no idea where that's coming from. I guess I'm allowed an off day every once in a while. Everything seems to set me off, today especially. Aidan's aimless wandering around is driving me crazy, like some shadow that's always hanging around. I want him to play outdoors this afternoon because a) he could use some fresh air, and b) I need the space. But every other minute I hear the door open and he comes in with some excuse or another ... Aidan has become rather self-sufficient -- getting himself a drink when he's thirsty, getting out the toy he wants rather than having to ask me to get it for him, etc. Lately it feels like we've gone backwards: he wants a drink of water, but with an ice cube (which means I have to get it), he can't find his shoes despite the fact that they are in the exact same place they always are, he can't seem to figure out how to play with anything on his own without my help and constant supervision. And then there's the constant questioning: Mommy, why are flies in our house? (Because you can't seem to remember to close the door, son!), Mommy, what's so-and-so's middle name? Mommy, how did the juice get into the bottle? Mommy, why is this train red? Mommy, Mommy, Mommy ... Sometimes I feel that if I hear a voice say, "Mommy!" one more time I will truly lose my hair. OK, perhaps that all sounds so petty, and I can just hear that gently chiding voice of wisdom say, "But your son is merely doing this because he needs your attention, and you're not giving it to him." But ... man! Right now it's feeling like nails on a chalk board. 4:00 p.m. is my witching hour, it seems.
- I've been missing my stuff lately. Does that sound strange? I miss my belongings, my furniture, my stuff that is scattered around in the homes of my family members because we don't have room in our apartment. I miss the beautiful things that we've collected over the years and had displayed on walls or table tops. I miss our dining room furniture which we had saved up for seven years to finally purchase. I miss seeing my beautiful books in my beautiful bookcases. I miss having other places or other rooms in which to put things. I think I'm starting to grieve again.
- The one thing I dislike about taking a trip is getting ready for doing so. Thinking about what items to pack, writing up lists, keeping my house straightened up and in some orderly fashion so our friend can navigate easily and find what she needs. I'm tense ... and this is just a one-nighter. Sad. I truly have this dark, Mega-Martha side to me (as opposed to Mary who parked at the feet of Jesus). If I lived in the world of wrestling that's who I would be: Mega-Martha, all toned, chiseled, and buff, entering the ring clad in a sequined apron, snarling at my opponent. Or perhaps Mad Martha, but I think that one's been taken. Once I get to the shore on Saturday I'll be totally fine -- it's just the preparations to get there that wipe me out.
- Speaking of trips, we now have to consider if we still want to make the trip to upstate New York to spend a few days with my brother and his family. Forecast: rain, rain rain. That means we won't be able to engage in any of the outdoor activities for which we are going in the first place. Sure, the company is great -- we always have a blast hanging out together. Aidan will be fine with his cousins. Once again, it's Grace who is giving me pause ...
Yeah, I'm feeling edgy, irritable, restless and I can't explain why. I guess we all have those moments. Yet leave it to my comic-relief daughter to try to lighten the mood, as she is now stumbling around the living room like a drunken sailor due to the fact that she's tangled up in a pair of Aidan's underwear, giggling like crazy. Only Grace could look this cute with underpants wrapped around her legs, posing like America's Next Top Model ...
2 comments:
I do wonder if Aidan is a little more of a shadow because he's worried about your Mom too? My kids are neediest when they are anxious.
And when my kids are anxious, that usually means I'm anxious or irritable. Which means, don't want them clinging to me!
What a stupid, vicious cycle!
I hope you do take the vacation, Sue--rain or no. A change of scene can do everyone a world of good--and perhaps you and Don can sneak out for another dinner out. Come back and tell us all about your weekend on the shore!
And Mega-Martha...I've been her as well. My poor, poor family. How on earth do I get her in check???
Thinking of you!
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