More on "Back to the Journey"

After a brief respite of funny baby babblings and Aunt Helen, I've picked up again where I left off, thinking a lot about where Don's journey (specifically, and mine subsequently) is headed ... not that I really know anything, of course, but just thinking nonetheless. The upcoming wedding, the sermon on not fearing the valleys -- how can you not stop and think about what's going on, significant or not?

I have been really good about not reading too much into these kinds of things. Just because Don agreed to preach a sermon does not mean that God is now on the warpath, blowing His shofar and gathering the troops of fearsome winged angels, ready to smite our enemies, rolling down His mighty judgment like a raging river! Maybe in an enticing storyline for a book or movie, but not life. Not our life. At least ... it's certainly not likely. In fact, the other day as I was driving home in my silent car after dropping Aidan off at school (the time o' day where I feel the closest to God) I had a feeling. No words, no thoughts -- just a feeling, which was this: I do not think we are going to receive justice. Shofars and winged angels are cool, but I think justice will elude us. It's not that we're actively seeking it -- indeed, our leaving the church and PA signaled the fact that we chose not to. Yet we just think, from time to time, "It sure would be nice if what we went through wasn't for naught." Indeed, as I drove in my silent car, I had a feeling -- it just might be. And I have to be OK with that. But more on that later.

So back to our (or rather, Don's) recent churchy engagements ... these kinds of things do start my gears a-grinding, my mental wheels creaking and groaning back into operation. I meekly dip my toe into the waters of wondering; I cautiously pull back the "what if" curtain for a brief moment, stealing a fleeting peek. What might this mean, I wonder? Where will healing take us? Will it take us -- gasp! -- back into the church?

Who knows. One just can't help the questions, though, if only for a brief moment or two.

This post stems from a comment someone left on my earlier post about this latest "development." Someone named "Amy" (I'm not sure who -- I actually know many Amy's so who knows! Thanks, though, whichever one you are! :) left a comment that said, "Scary and exciting all at once. Peace with with both of you." I blinked at her insight. She's right. My initial reaction that these circumstances arose -- and, more importantly, that he felt ready to take them on -- was one of elation. Yet while I am really happy that my husband is being healed of his wounds and is making strides with God's help, there is that quiet, subtle undercurrent of fear -- the "scary" part of it all. This is great ... but now what? Where will it lead? And are we ready (or shall I say it -- willing?) to go?

I am not jumping the gun here to say that when Don is finished with his sermon on that Sunday in March, he will then go home and start looking for a church post. No way! But the scary part is this -- acknowledging what it is that we might really want. When I first started blogging almost a year ago, one of my greatest struggles at the time was identity. I had been a "pastor's wife" for many years and now, all of a sudden, at someone else's hand, my identity (as I knew it) and the life I had built was gone. Snap, just like that. While it may seem silly to some, I honestly did struggle with that -- it's a tough adjustment. But over this past year I have lived, I have grown, I have started to emerge, and while I have not fully poked out of my cocoon at least I know that there was absolutely no reason for me to be tied to that single identity. I am far more than a "pastor's wife" ... and now, a year later, I've come to be OK with that. In fact, if I'm being honest, I kind of like it. Yes, it still feels weird at times, I do still have moments where I feel that I'm in some kind of "no-man's land," but I am still me.

But this comment by Amy made me think, and I posed a question to myself (obviously I cannot answer for Don): Do I really want to go back to a church setting? Do I really want Don to be a pastor/priest again? Do I really want him to cloak himself in the mantle of a leader of a body of sinful, earnest, fallen, beloved children of God? Do I really want him to work on sermons each week, administratively run a church, handle a council or vestry, be Everything to Everyone, and take all of the hits that come with the territory?

Yes, Amy -- it's beyond scary. I don't know if I want this, I guess because -- if nothing else -- I have seen what it can do, what destruction it can wield. And yet ... even as I write this, I can see that this is only one side of it. There is fruit -- lots of it. Look at the church we're in now -- while I'm sure it has its share of powdery mildew and aphids and the like, it also has tremendous fruit, of which we've been blessed to receive. And yet ... somehow these two "realities" must merge, and right now it's hard. But Don has powerful gifts -- gifts that cannot be ignored or buried. Is there a way for him to be faithful to those gifts without living on the front lines? Probably not.

Ah, who knows. That's enough. Time to withdraw the dipped toe and take a breather. It's good to get some thoughts out, and it's good to take a break. Thanks, Amy, for putting down some words that really strike home in their truthfulness.

Back to real life now -- getting myself and the kids ready for church. On a side note, Aidan never developed a fever since yesterday's most recent coming-down-with-something. Seems as if it's just a stuffy nosed cold -- no big deal. Off I go. My shoes and socks are on now; no toes exposed. Maybe another time ...