OK, I've taken enough coffee breaks ... now it's time to get back to some serious stuff. I've been putting off writing about this -- where I am on this journey of mine -- because it's been pretty nebulous these past couple of weeks. I was sort of floating through, suspended in a fashion similar to Keanu Reeves/Neo in "The Matrix" (wouldn't it be cool to hang in mid-air?!) ... but now, quite recently, a series of events have occurred that have forced me to set my sights on these thoughts again, attempt to sort through many swirling thoughts, poke a little hole in the pea-soup fog that has blanketed my path.
One word that I would never use to describe myself is charismatic. I was raised in a very un-charitmatic Christian tradition, so while that kind of expression was known to me (in a "head-knowledge" sort of way), it was however quite foreign in my personal experience. Over these last few years I have met several amazing people who have come across my path -- I believe for very specific reasons -- and I will never cease to be amazed at the spiritual gifts they possess. I have met people with the gift of prophecy, the gift of knowledge/discernment, people who have visions and can "see" things in a realm that others could not. I love the presence of these people in my life, in part because they possess something I do not, and I have had the privilege of learning from them and their experiences. I have also learned, though, that human beings -- regardless of their spiritual gifts -- are fallible, fallen people ... so while I welcome these words, their wisdom, I do have to take it with that proverbial grain of salt. But I'm learning discernment (my own unknown gift, perhaps?) and it's been a fabulous experience seeing things unfold in powerful ways.
One thing I have learned on my spiritual journey it to sit up and listen when "random" things start happening -- and in my case, it might come in the form of a particular "theme" or message, coming at the same time or even the same day, from several completely unconnected people. In these instances, this is the closest thing I've experienced to truly hearing the voice of God ... and as is so often the case, because of my denseness, He ends up "yelling." Often these multiple occurrences have either taught me something, directed my sights and thoughts toward something, or affirmed something that I have been thinking or feeling or experienced. While we were still in PA, in one day six different individuals either called or dropped in, all saying the very same thing -- that they felt lead to talk to us, relating the story of Joseph in the Old Testament (dropped in a pit, sold into slavery, wrongfully accused, endured a prison stint, but then was raised up in a powerful way, until those who had wronged him ended up at his feet). That was encouraging, affirming of us and our calling, and -- I do believe this -- God speaking in a powerful way. These "random" events have happened over and over and over again.
Another similar situation arose a couple of weeks ago when the "theme" of forgiveness was suddenly being shot my way with all the force of gallons of water spewing from a fire hydrant. It began with a conversation I had with a friend of mine, who related a story in her own life of her difficulty in forgiving a friend of hers who had wronged her. The parallels to my own "story" were uncanny -- I too am having a tremendously difficult time forgiving not only the person who wronged us (in a huge way), but also those who witnessed this and chose to look the other way. But from that conversation there immediately followed:
- a rather amazing intercessory experience at church where a woman, who had been praying for us intensely, told us of some things she believed God revealed to her (again, checking out the grain of salt) ... basically that God has something huge in store, but it won't be revealed until we have forgiven those who hurt us.
- The next day, I had a lengthy phone conversation with a dear friend who shared some very powerful words with me, again "randomly" stressing (without knowing of my previous day's experience) that I need to forgive -- for my own freedom and healing -- but I won't be able to do it on my own
- This was immediately followed by an email from another old friend who felt lead to write to me that moment, writing about -- you guessed it -- the need to forgive not only those who wronged us, but also to ask for forgiveness for my own anger, bitterness, and resentment toward these people (ouch!) ... only then will I/we be free from this muck
- Finally, later that same day, it came full circle -- I received an email from the first friend to whom I spoke, who gave me a book recommendation which helped her through her struggles for forgiveness!
OK, God, got the hint. I do believe that this is now the next step before me, as if I am at a fork on my journey's path. I have spent these last couple of months just floating, spending that Saturday in the tomb, trying to heal in this place of love, safety, and security. But now, through these "random" intercessions and my own feelings, I am starting to detect the first faint stirrings of the need to be proactive. I wasn't able to hear these things before, but now I find myself at this fork: do I choose the path on the left, refusing to forgive these people, feeling that if I do so I will then let them off the hook, still feeling that fierce emotion of wanting them to pay? Or do I take the right fork, stepping out in faith, admitting that I cannot take this step on my own, that I need God's help in this tremendous effort to forgive these people ... and in doing so recognizing that, really, it has nothing to do with them, but it's about my own freedom from their hold once and for all. Clearly, I know which fork I need to take. But will it be easy? No way. Yet I see now that if I don't do this, then I will be forever bound by this bitterness and rage. I have to take that step ... I'm just having trouble doing so right now.
This entry is entitled "Part I" -- I'm still working on Part II, trying to get the events of this past week down into words, for it's been quite remarkable. There has been some pretty intense orchestration going on, and the last two days have been, for me, quite mind-blowing. I do believe that what I have felt as silence on God's part is now starting to become pretty vocal, and I'm realizing that He has lots to say. More to come ...
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2 comments:
Sometimes I think our unwillingness to forgive is a way of keeping ourselves safe--we think the grudges and bitterness we hold are somehow a boundary or a way of being on-guard against another attack. When we can see a way to build a more true boundary (something we really must do when we've been seriously hurt), we can create a little bit of space to forgive. I imagine the house is part of that safety, but I'm guessing there's also something else needed for you to be safe. I don't know what it is, but I believe it will come....
Forgiveness is much different than forgetting the pain of the experience. If we forget the pain, we can't learn from it. There's lots and lots to learn from in your experience, and that learning, disecting, and processing is part of your healing and forgiveness.
After a very painful experience in my church, we had a lenten series titled, "Letting Go, Moving Through". We acknowledges that we had to move from the safety of the shore, through the vast, swirling, and deep waters, to get to the other side. That journey, dear friend, is a difficult one, but your life will be so rich for having gone through it.
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