A short visit

This morning, on the way to the grocery store, I swung by the cemetery to see if I could find the graves of my grandparents. My dad's parents are easy to find -- by the only white birch tree in the place. My parents told me my other grandparents were a short distance down from there. I drove slowly by, passing the birch tree, but I couldn't find the headstone. I thought perhaps it was facing the other direction, so I turned the corner and went down the other side. Still no sighting. I circled around, in vain searching for my great-aunts and great-grandparents (that's going to be an out-of-the-car foot expedition, I think), and then I decided to make one more pass on my way out. All of a sudden - WHAM. There it was, right in front of me. I think I had resigned myself to the fact that I wouldn't find it on this trip, so I was clearly unprepared for this. I hadn't seen the headstone with my grandmother's name on it, since the last time I was there was when she was buried three years ago. I stopped the car and stared, and suddenly just started (quietly) sobbing. Thankfully the kids were oblivious, singing songs in the back seat. I couldn't take my eyes off of that stone -- my grandparents were there. In the ground. It was just weird! Oh, I believe in heaven and I believe they are there, but this is all I have left in a physical sense. I guess I had geared myself for this, but when I couldn't find it on the first pass I let my guard down. It hit me like a million bricks. I was completely unprepared -- hence, the tears. It's incredible how you can mourn all over again, just by seeing something like this. I cried all the way to the grocery store.

I'm going back later today or perhaps tomorrow, in search of my other relatives. This is definitely a trip to make without the kids -- for now. I need some time alone. But if I broke down this morning, how am I going to handle it later on? It's OK, though -- all a part of being human.